What Stories Are You Telling Yourself When Receiving Feedback?
Why is receiving feedback so darn hard?
One in four employees dread receiving feedback more than anything else in their work environment. Why is this the case?
There are many contributing factors to why we may resist or even reject feedback. From our upbringing and external environment to genetics and biology, there is hardwiring inside us that comes built-in.
The larger force behind the inability to receive feedback, though, comes more from the relationship we have with ourselves and the stories we are telling ourselves.
The way we speak to ourselves (our “self talk”) is largely what controls whether we think we will be able to handle the feedback being given to us or not.
Our thoughts determine how we react to feedback.
And these thoughts, the stories we tell ourselves, is what makes receiving feedback a negative experience.
Feedback itself is not negative. It’s the misguided thoughts, beliefs, and self-defeating behaviors we attach to the feedback that makes it feel negative.
The truth is, feedback is a gift. Knowing exactly what your boss, employee, exec, or team member needs from you is hugely beneficial to your success and ability to be a good communicator.
Remember, it all starts with you.
The stories we tell ourselves usually fall into three categories. Keep reading to learn the stories we tell ourselves and what you can do to counteract them.
Playing the victim: “I didn’t do it”
This is the story of the victim.
As humans, we have become professionals at telling ourselves this story. We love to play the victim to our circumstances. I’ve done it, you’ve probably done it, and your boss may have even played the game a time or two. It’s not rare to see the victim game being played, but that doesn’t mean it needs to become common practice.
Many of us fear being guilty or “caught” and so when we are being asked to take responsibility for our actions, we may try to act innocent. “It wasn’t me!”
When receiving feedback, you may hear what the other person is telling you and before you can respond rationally, the stories in your mind are already telling you that “it’s not your fault and you didn’t do it.”
This can be damaging to communication because it can portray you as someone unwilling to take responsibility for your actions. You may even end up lying to fulfill this story.
Blaming the villain: “You did it!”
These stories are similar to playing the victim, except in this category, you’re blaming the villain. You turn the tables and make your story about the other person. It’s their fault. They are the perpetrator and their evilness is what caused the situation or outcome to happen.
When you refuse to take accountability for your actions when receiving feedback, you may default to blaming the person the feedback is coming from. This comes from the stories you’ve been repeating in your head that makes you feel less guilty for your actions.
These stories can cause real harm in the workplace because once you start the blame game, it’s hard to recover from it.
You may not even realize that you’ve been saying (and believing) your stories until it comes out. And at that point, it can’t be taken back.
Deflecting responsibility: “I’m helpless”
The third type of story is where you give up all responsibility for your participation in whatever is happening. You completely relinquish your power and decide that you are totally helpless. You decide that there just wasn’t anything you could do and therefore it is “not on you” in any way.
This story tells you that whatever is happening has nothing to do with you and it’s on the other person to figure it out. Or if it does have to do with you, it’s believed to be “not your fault.” This story traps you into thinking that you are totally innocent.
This story allows you to check out entirely and leave the issues up to others to solve.
Obviously, this is no way to earn respect in the workplace and behaving this way can have people losing trust in you very quickly.
So now that we know some stories that can damage our communication and ability to receive feedback in the workplace, here are three ways to counteract the stories we tell ourselves:
1 - Tell the whole story, not just the parts.
To learn how to stop believing your own negative stories, you have to determine if what you are experiencing is the whole truth.
What you think is true may not actually be the reality of the situation. To determine the truth, tell yourself the story… the whole story. From beginning to end.
When you receive negative (or “improvement”) feedback, you may instantly start telling yourself stories around why you’re receiving this information, why the person is telling it, and ways that this may not actually be true.
Often when we are telling ourselves a story about what we “think” happened, we will tell the beginning and maybe the middle parts and leave out the end. Leaving the real outcome uncovered.
Tell the whole story to hear what really happened. The end of the story will usually contain the truth of the matter and allow you to see reality as it is, instead of how your perception might be twisting it.
2 - Take responsibility for your role in the story
Oftentimes our inability to change our reality comes from our inability to accept responsibility for our role in that reality.
If you are telling yourself negative stories around the feedback you’re receiving, take a moment to determine your part in the story. In what ways might your actions give good cause to the feedback you’re receiving? Is it possible your role in the story isn’t completely innocent?
Taking a quick second to self-reflect on your role in the story, although perhaps uncomfortable, can save you a lot of resistance, inner turmoil, and inappropriate reactions when receiving feedback.
As Lori Gottlieb says in her TED Talk, “How Changing Your Story Can Change Your Life”, “Freedom comes with responsibility. And if we take responsibility for our role in the story, we might just have to change.”
Change takes courage and change is what helps us to evolve into our greatest human potential. Awareness and action around the stories you tell yourself is what will change your life.
3 - Get clear on reality vs. story
It’s important when receiving improvement feedback to get clear on reality versus story. This may not happen in the moment and can easily happen after you’ve received the feedback.
To identify if you’re in storyland or in reality, take some time to write out the feedback you received and the story you’re telling yourself. This will allow you to separate the truth from the thoughts in your head.
If you are still unclear on reality vs story, you can clarify with the person you received the feedback from by using a statement like, “I’m not sure if this is what you meant, but I’m feeling (insert short version of story here).” This will allow the other person to hear what you’re saying and give a clarifying response.
It’s important to get clear around the truth so you can respond and act appropriately and not let the stories spiral out of control.
In summary, leave the stories behind.
I’ve been conducting a non-scientific poll around giving and receiving feedback. And as it turns out, from all the people I’ve asked, the majority of people are more scared to receive feedback than give it.
That’s crazy!
Why are we so scared of receiving information that will help us improve?
I’ve found the answer is because of the stories we tell ourselves.
We have stories about why we are doing what we are doing, why others are saying what they are saying, and why these thoughts justify our behaviors, allowing us to feel good about our decisions, actions, and reactions.
Although our “ego mind” validates these stories, the truth is… they aren’t real. And it’s up to us to get clear on what is real so that we can have an appropriate reaction to feedback.
If you refuse to accept feedback, you may miss out on perspectives outside your own awareness. If you can learn to accept feedback with gratitude instead of shutting down, getting triggered, or avoiding it all together, you will learn more about yourself and grow as a human and start to unlock your greatest potential.
I believe we all have the courage within us to change our stories so we can change our lives.
If you want to learn more about the stories we tell and how to stop listening to them so that you can become a better communicator, you’ll want to buy my new communications course: “We Need to Talk: A Guide to Tackling Tough Conversations.”
This course teaches you how to have the hard conversations in a way that deepens and grows your relationships, whether with a boss at work or at home with your spouse. You’ll also learn how to give and receive both positive and negative feedback along with the traits of a good communicator versus a bad communicator. If you want to learn how to be a better communicator, this course is for you!
STAY TUNED! IT’LL BE OUT FEBRUARY 2022!