How to give and receive compliments, praise, attaboys, and other positive feedback
This is an area some of us struggle with a lot: Giving and receiving POSITIVE feedback. On the surface, it seems easy enough, but how many times have you said something similar to these scenarios when receiving compliments?
Someone says: “Great job on the presentation!”
And you respond: “OMG I bombed it. I kept stuttering over my words and blanking out and…and…and….”
Or someone says: “Thank you for staying late so many nights to finish the project. Very impressive!”
And you say: “It was nothing, really. I was happy to do it. It wasn’t a big deal at all.”
Or when you receive a simple compliment, like “You look beautiful today.”
And your response is: “Oh, this ugly thing. I feel so fat.”
Does this sound familiar?
Do you regularly slap the hand of someone who is complimenting you? I am raising my hand, if it helps. I’ve been guilty of poo-poo-ing my own badassery in so many ways, it’s shameful. Both professionally and personally.
I have also been guilty of giving not-so-great-compliments and feedback when needed. And why is that?
Well, you know I’m going tell you.
We do this because:
We were never taught how to communicate, let alone how to have heavy and uncomfortable conversations. Let’s add that to the list of “things they don’t teach you in school.
We can’t take compliments just like we can’t take negative feedback. Too personal. Yuck.
We downplay ourselves and masquerade it as humility or overplay the situation and exaggerate the feedback. Both are because our ego is driving the bus.
Ahem…some businesses don’t really know how to not only give positive feedback but create an environment where that’s possible.
Guess what, I’m gonna tell you how to do that too.
The four types of compliments
We have four distinct types of compliments to discuss:
Thanks = an identification or expression of gratitude for performing a finite service, gesture, or favor. This is the most basic, more impersonal, and easiest type of positive feedback. Example:
“Thank you for sending out the board minutes.”
“I appreciate your help with my packages, young man.”
It’s the most general form of compliment, so it usually comes from a stranger or the outermost circle of people in your world. And the feeling you get from using your manners is satisfying and being rewarded for that feels gratifying.
Recognition = The acknowledgement of a specific achievement, service, merit. It is finite in nature for a deed done or project completed. Example:
“Great work on those board minutes! It was the first one I read front to back!”
“I heard your sales call with that potential new customer. You handled it perfectly!”
This is usually a “top-down,” meaning it comes from managers or superiors; people you look up to or want to impress. It should come from those that have a right to say, "good job." The feeling you get is pride. Pride in impressing a superior and satisfaction that a project was completed. You’ll also hopefully have a general understanding of what you need to do more of in the future to be recognized.
Appreciation = The evaluation or opinion of a situation or person, rather than a task. It’s a a clear perception, especially of the aesthetic quality of something. Example:
“Mary told me you took time out of your schedule to help her with the Vermont Project. I’ve noticed your generosity in helping others and your willingness to be involved. I think those in your department know how kind, giving, and supportive you are. I hope you know how much you mean to them.”
“The work you did on the Vermont Project was a winning success and we could not have pulled this off without you. It was both strategic and detailed and you are a next-level thinker. You are both technically competent and you can communicate your thoughts clearly. We are so honored to have you in our department.”
This usually comes from your closest circle. It’s the people you know well so the compliment is significant and meaningful. They understand you. It’s also the people that can empathize with you in this situation, such as other people who do what you do. You may feel confident after this and walk away with a boost to your dignity. Confident in yourself, complete clarity in what you need to do more of in the future and how to pull it off.
Validation = This is the act of affirming a person, their ideas, feelings, actions, etc., as acceptable and worthy. Example:
“You are a valuable contribution to this organization.”
“You are worthy of praise, attention, and love.”
The source of this compliment comes from inside yourself. Only. Yep, I said it.
YOU are the only one who can validate YOU.
It must be felt throughout your body and achieved by practicing kind words to ourselves and doing what we’re good at over and over and over again. We also must understand our own tendencies in order to validate yourself in this world. The result is self-love, self-worth, and a sense of belonging.
How to give a compliment
Just like positive reinforcement with dogs, pointing out when things are good over and over again to humans can negate the need for correction later on. And, just as with negative feedback (or “improvement feedback”), it’s important to ready our minds and bodies as well as our words.
Are we relaxed, positive, and feeling generous? Or are we feeling rushed? Are we giving this compliment so that we can get one in return...or is this solely to help appreciate another human being? Are we distraction free, phone away, dings and bings minimized.
Body language should consistently be checked as well. Body language delivers 55% of the message that received, and if our words and our non-verbals do not match, the non-verbal information is believed over the verbal statement. So, if you want to deliver the right message, your body and your words must match.
Once we’re ready in our bodies and our minds, now let’s prepare our statement. All feedback must be voiced for the RECEIVER so they can understand. This is NOT about you, dude. This is about THEM understanding the information you’re giving them so they can repeat the behavior or action.
Complimenting someone on their effort and not their ability helps people not get triggered by their identity. Compliments that emphasize the learning process, rather than the wins/looses, helps people take risks and challenges.
Your statement should include:
The specific action you are complimenting
+
How it made you feel
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What the implication is of the action for you or for the team.
For this to count, it has to be specific. We know how to give a detailed list of the things people did wrong and how to improve, but we rarely do the same with positive feedback. Be specific
If you’re unsure if someone wants to hear it or not, how about “would you like to hear about something i’m thinking right now? Use phrases such as “This is how that came across for me,” or “This is what that made me think,” or even just “Did you see what you did there?” Those are your reactions—they are your truth—and when you relay them in specific detail, you aren’t judging or rating or manipulating; you’re simply reflecting to her the unique “dent” she just made in the world, as seen through your eyes.
We don’t give compliments enough in the business world. So if you’re a leader, please read the following line slowly:
A solid appreciation can be life changing.
How to receive a compliment
These days, many employees have appreciation deficit disorder. We’re so used to only getting negative feedback, or no feedback at all, that we are all struggling to remember how to accept one.
So first, and foremost, we must learn how to take a compliment. We have to learn or else no one will complement us.
When someone tells you that you look nice, please stop replying with "I’m so fat" or "oh this whole thing." When someone at work commends you, take it in, let it wash over your body like baby oil, and smile. Accept it and say thank you.
Smacking the hand of someone who is complimenting you is also quite insensitive to the person offering the compliment. They may have planned, prepped their bodies and minds, and prepared their statement for you. They might be excited to deliver some good news to someone, hoping to make you feel good. Then you go and deny them the ability. That is the best way to ensure that you will not receive a compliment from that person ever again.
Acceptance of ourselves includes both our faults and our strengths.
If you really must interject SOMETHING, try to give a compliment-boomerang by thanking them for their comment. So when somebody says I like your shoes you say "thank you for noticing, I just bought them." Or when someone says you did a good job you say "Thank you for saying that. I felt that."
And please, please please, NO sarcastic responses like, “so you finally noticed I’m a strong performer, eh?” What a great way to shut down someone’s willingness to see your strengths and applaud them.
Summary
All feedback is a gift. It lets you know precisely what the other person wants or needs. After you receive the gift, it’s up to you to accept it or not. But shutting down feedback with an argument or by appearing ungrateful makes it less likely you’ll be offered it again. And if you’re getting feedback from a customer or a prospect, shutting it down makes it likely that they’ll walk away and take their attention and their trust somewhere else.
We all need a little positive reinforcement in our lives. The best way to get some, is to give some!
To receive a free downloadable handout outlining the four types of compliments, click here!